Overwhelming love

(Carter)

(Bryce)

Before you read, I have to warn you that this post is a bit morbid...

I always knew I'd love my kids, even before I become a mother. But I had no idea. Loving them, caring for them, teaching them, hugging and kissing them...that is what I live for. In this moment of my life, my kids are my life. Of course, I love their father more than words can express, and he is perfect for me, but tonight my thoughts are on them as I replay a conversation I had with Carter in the car today.
I don't even know how it began, but I remember him saying, "you are going to die before me, right mommy?" I told him that no one knows when we are going to die, but yes, I probably will die before him because I am older than him. He then asked, "what will happen to me? Who will take care of me?" I can't believe he is asking these questions. The thought of not raising my children is my greatest fear. I always had thought that losing a child would hurt more than anything and that was my biggest fear. Not anymore. A few years ago, probably after having one, I realized that my worst fear was dying myself. Having someone else raise my children. How can anyone know them like I do? How can anyone love them like I do? Even the best of intentioned people who love them can't love them or know them like I do. That thought terrifies me which is why I don't think about it for more than a second. If I do start to think about it, I quickly replace that thought with another.
This morning, I felt I needed to think about it and explain to Carter. In a way I suppose it was a blessing. In praying about who would raise our children if anything happened to Brady and myself, I felt momentarily at peace with our decision before the gut wrenching feeling came back at the possibility of not raising them to adulthood and being there after that.
Anyways, I was thinking at the time I was praying, the boys need to know what would happen so they aren't blind-sided at losing their parents and now not knowing what was going to happen to them. But how do you bring up that conversation? "How was school and by the way, if we die you will go to...."
Anyways, in feeling this an appropriate time to talk about it, and answer his honest question I told him who would care for him and what would happen all the while fighting off tears. To make matters worse Carter asks if he can call the family member who will care for him, "mommy." I explain that I will always be his mommy, she is his....." He says, "Can I call her mommy if I want?" I tell him sure he can, whatever he is comfortable doing. He says, "ok, I'll call her mommy."
Feeling like I want to throw up at this point is an understatement. Carter then says, "mommy if you die, I will be so sad and cry a lot of times." I re-assure him that I will always be watching over him and in his heart. That we are still a family forever no matter what because daddy and I were married in the temple and we will be a family forever, even after we die. (I am getting choked up thinking about this wonderful blessing and promise. Yet still a sick about the possibility of not being here for my children on Earth).
Of course while talking I try to assure him (but probably mostly myself) that I am healthy and young and will not die for a very, very long time. That he will even be old too when I get old.
So aside from this depressing blog, I just wanted to write how much I love my life. My husband. My children. My heart feels like bursting with the love I feel for my children. How sacred the responsibility of a mother. How blessed I am to have these two strong spirited, righteous boys in my family. They are so special and I get the privilege of being there mother! What an enormous task and although sometimes- many times feel as though I'm lacking and not what they deserve, I am so grateful for the chance to raise them. To try again each day to be worthy of being their mother. How did I get so blessed?