Friends

What a blessing good friends are in my life. I just spent this past weekend with a good friend at the Time Out for Women Conference. I think having her there really made the experience more special and I got more out of it. We were able to "process" the things we heard, learned and felt at the conference together at dinner and on the drive home. I had so many moments of feeling like the Lord was speaking directly to me, I didn't just want to go home and get lost in my responsibilities and roles and not DO anything about the messages I heard and felt both through the speakers and the music. She is a safe person I can talk to without judgement, condemnation and loves me regardless of my shortcomings and at times I feel like I have more those than strengths.
Another friend just yesterday went clothes shopping with me FOR me. She came over to my house first to go through all of our closets to find outfits for family pictures. I am notorious for doing the classic white top, khaki pants and bare feet. This year, a different good friend is going to take our family pictures outside with this beautiful fall weather and scenery, so new venue, new outfits. After combing through shirt by shirt and talking about several possibilities, she loaded up her preschooler, my toddler and drove to the mall and target to help me color coordinate. This great woman is a mother of 5, wasn't feeling the greatest fighting off a cold and having a problem with her tooth, and still came over and then shopping JUST for me. AND she OFFERED to do so the few days before when we spoke on the phone getting her opinions about how she did pictures for her large family.
Good friends help me see the Lord in my life and feel of His love because just like this friend was so selfless or her time and energy - even though she didn't have a lot to spare. God is so willing and wanting to give us His love and His help if we chose to ask, seek it out and listen. Christ was the greatest example of all about selflessness. He came to the Earth entirely for our benefit and good. His life was one of service and love up until the ultimate sacrifice as he pleaded for each of us in the Garden of Gethsemane atoning for the sins of the world, MY sins... sins I hadn't even committed yet. God loved us... loved ME enough to allow his ONLY begotten Son to suffer so and not 'rescue' Him. Christ himself could have freed himself from such agony, such humiliation, such pain. Gotten Himself off the cross... but didn't. Why? Because of love. Love for me... for us all.
I'm grateful for friends to show me the love of Christ and love of my Father in Heaven through their sacrifice and love.
(Last years family picture in Hawaii... yes, white tops, khaki bottoms... but I LOVE this picture!)

Brady

Seeing God today in my life I'd like to write about my husband. He loves and cares about me enough to sleep on the couch with his long legs hanging off the end because he has a cold. Not just any cold... this cold results in him sniffing/snorting/snoring... loudly! He knows I'm a light sleeper and was not sleeping b/c he was not sleeping. He sacrificed himself for me. I love the whole bed to myself and the quiet, but love him more and hope he gets well soon so he can come join me again in each others arms.
He is an amazing father and I rarely see as many dad's enjoy their children as much as he enjoys ours. He will wrestle with them, hold them in his arms (all three of them at once!) and go in circles singing "I've got the whole world in my arms..." as they crack up and get dizzy.
He initiates family scripture study each night at dinner and family prayer at night and in the morning before school and work.
He is always looking to "become" himself. He is able to take a hard look at himself, see where he may be falling short and acknowledge that, make a plan and move on. He works hard at communication and loving us all the way we feel and need it best... even if it might be foreign to him.
He is a good man. A God fearing man who respects and honors his role as a husband and father and respects and honors his family who depend on him so.
Brady is how I see God in my life today. To feel of His love and see His wisdom in ordaining marriage between a man and woman. To have this union be essential to His plan. Without each other it is harder to "become" the individuals He would have us be. To grow, and learn in love through our spouses. Thank you Lord for loving me enough to send me such a great man to love.

Each new day

So one of my new goals in "becoming" (see previous post) is that I'm going to find God's love everyday. I know it is there, but sometimes I don't stop to notice it, or if I do, quickly move on to the next "to-do" on my list.
But I'm hoping to use this blog to take the time, notice and then record the hand of God each day in my life in the hopes of becoming more grateful, slowing down more, being present, and acknowledging the huge role He plays in my life even when I am too busy, tired or cranky to notice.
I didn't do yesterday yest so I will today.
I see God in my children. I see God in their smiles and in their eyes. I hear Him in their laughter, words of encouragement and kindness to one another. I feel it in their warm embrace, and as they take the other by the hand to lead another down the stairs, give each other hugs and kisses and work together to accomplish good. They are constant reminders of God's love for me as we share love for one another. What precious gifts he has given me. What sweet, glorious, active and mischievous spirits I have been entrusted with which allow me to never be bored and to always find humor if I chose to look.
Here are some examples from the day....

(she might need to join (or start)a self help group "binky's anonymous" as she is now not only trying to stuff in two binky's at once while holding at least one in each hand, but this morning she went for three...pretty talented I have to admit)

(Carter reading to Aubryn before bed).

(Bryce and Aubryn walking through a tent of apple trees).


(Discovering how to do somersaults in her crib).

"Becoming"

I just got back from a wonderful weekend with some girlfriends at an event called, "Time out for Women." The speakers, the musicians, the company, the FOOD... all amazing! My mom and husband supportive enough to make it possible for me to go by tending to our children, my neighbor even helping out by coaching Bryce's soccer team for me for Saturday's practice, and driving Bryce there so Brady wouldn't need to have all 3 ready by 9am, just the one.
Other than the amazing women I was privileged to be around and share a car and hotel room with, something else amazing happened. I was filled.
I'm embarrassed to admit that I had almost forgotten that feeling. The feeling of peace and comfort, confirmation and strength. More powerful than any other feeling experienced while at the same time more gentle than any other feeling. I'm talking about the feeling of the Spirit. How it has filled my soul, my being, my heart.
I always hear from loved ones, "you need to take better care of yourself" or "put yourself first for a change." I have taken this to mean, "be selfish." So in trying to heed this advice (b/c in taking care of yourself means you can then better take care of others right?) I at times have tried to take the 20 minute power nap which sometimes becomes an hr or 90 minutes before another child comes home from school allowing another to watch a movie instead of spending one on one time like I envisioned or desired. But feeling drained and no energy or strength, I give into the flesh and turn on a movie. This always leave me feeling guilty and less than and not the mom I was intended or want to me. I loathe my physical and emotional limitations as I curl up on the couch.
Other times, I chose to catch up on a show that I missed the night before b/c bed time ran too long, or I decided to take the time to talk with Brady or clean the house, do dishes, laundry, etc, etc, etc. This is taking time for myself right?
Wrong. Although both those things on occasion of course are not bad things, but when that is what I'm looking forward to as a respite from my "real life" there is a problem. But today is different. Today is new. Today is beautiful. Today I am filled.
To stay filled and to truly "put myself first" in a way that is NOT selfish and VERY necessary, I need to take the time to think, to write, to ponder, to read, to meditate and pray. I didn't get any more sleep last night than usual. In fact went to bed pretty late at midnight and up again by 7am. I do feel tired. It was a lovely weekend but traveling makes me tired, talking to Brady last night and sharing what I had come to realize yes has made my body tired, but my spirit strong... and it is the spirit that carries us.
My body is sore, tired, tight... my spirit is energized and light and excited once again about my role as a mother, wife, and what I had forgotten, daughter of God.
Priorities need to change as my heart has been changed.
I need to put myself on that list of "things to do." This doesn't include a nap, or a movie/show I've missed. This doesn't include a huge shopping spree or time browsing facebook. For me, this involves getting to know myself again. To connect with my spirit. To getting to know God again. To getting to know my savior Jesus Christ and put into practice his redeeming grace. I've learned that "redeem" means "to change." It is a process... a journey and one I am now excited to be part of. Not drained at the idea of giving more than I have to give.
A light has been turned on. Both in my mind with these different "ah-hah" moments of what I need to do to reach the goals and become the woman I want to be, the mother I want to be, the wife I want to be, the friend I want to be, the daughter and sister I want to be... but also a light deep within me. A light that warms me to my very soul. The makes me feel light. This is the light of Christ and I'm so excited to get to know Him and His atonement better and allow the healing and the love and hope that comes from his redeeming grace.
I'm excited to have a personal relationship with both my Father in Heaven and my Savior. I felt at this conference an undeniable feeling of their reality. Which truly I had been questioning. But God is real. He DOES know me. He DOES love me. The same is said for my savior AND redeemer. I know that it is true, because I can not describe or deny the feelings I've felt. The answer I've received. It is a step in the right direction of my journey as I have a desire to know more about the life of Christ and do my best to emulate that life. And I know he will help me on my journey of "Becoming" as it is a process. But I know that I can as God and Christ sustain me, and carry me in my trials. I can have "hope smiling brightly before me" for that is how I want to live. That is how I am 'meant' to live. And with Christ brings new life and I feel like 'new life' has just begun. A life filled with light.

Back to School!

Yes this post is very late.... but hey, it's the story of my life at this point I suppose. :)
Carter is entering the second grade and has Mrs. Titheringon which I could not be happier about. She is a sweet older woman who (as rumor has it) is a little disorganized but is sweet and loves teaching and the children. She also reportedly doesn't yell which is always a plus and will be a change from his teacher last year, Mrs. Fite. Don't get me wrong, she is a lovely woman, but could and did get overwhelmed quite a bit. Not that I totally blame her. With 28 young children in one small classroom... enough to make anyone a bit nuts.




Anyways, Carter has been enjoying getting to school on his scooter and sometimes to mix things up, his 2-wheeler. He convinced Bryce to ride along with him and I drive by slowly in the van. When we reach the corner just before the crossing guard, we say good-bye to Carter and Bryce hops in the van to head off to preschool.



We are at a new preschool this year with Bryce trying to un-do some of the damage done last year. He did not have a good experience and more than once I left him crying after I pried his arms from around my neck or leg. Broke my heart! I am not sure if it was the kids, the teachers, the huge age gap (not quite 3 yr olds- Bryce at 4 in Sept after a week of school... which is crazy btw...), but it was not a good combination which is so sad to me b/c preschool is a time to be excited about learning. To have a positive experience your first time away from home and it just did not happen at Ashton Christian Preschool.







So this year, we are back at Creative Learning Center where Carter used to go. I have full confidence in the teachers Mrs. Pascoe, and Mrs. Splain as they were Carter's teachers when he went there. Also the director is awesome as well. It felt warmer and "safer."




So far, so good. Most of our mornings have been "I don't want to go to school, I want to stay home with you," but there have been no tears or tantrums. He always seems happy when I pick him up. So I am hopeful that through positive repetition, he will continue to be more confident and comfortable away from home and meeting new friends and trying new things.
I do miss them though, and I know Aubryn does too. She walks around the house after dropping off Bryce (b/c she is used to him being home with her while Carter was at school last year), "Biish.... we-ah-oo? Hmmmm...." with her little hand palm up and a confused face with crinkled brows. It's cute... and sad. But it'll give us time to bond just us girls. :)

Intertwined

I find it interesting how inter-twined the hearts of parents- mothers more specifically can be with their children. My heart is hurting right now for Carter as he struggles in school. He LOVES to read and is "above grade level" in reading (and why again are we labeling and categorizing our children?!) but seems to struggle with math and writing.
Other parents I hear saying how easy this and that is in school and how their child is not being challenged, and they are bored... and it makes me feel angry and protective. Boo hoo if your child is not being challenged enough. So what? Challenge them at home, give them more assignments after their homework is completed and teach them yourselves wherever their level might be. For others who are barely getting certain concepts and take so long to do homework and correct it in between the tears or frustration and calling himself stupid and hitting himself in the head and face b/c his brain is not smart feels like it is killing me. It hurts so badly to see your child hurting and suffering so much. I just hold him while he cries and we try again when he is ready. We take breaks if he gets too overwhelmed and he goes and reads on the couch. He loves to read which is such a blessing. We talk about how faith without works is dead and we can't just pray to get better, but need to practice and work at it as well. I hate the curriculum of "below grade level" or "above grade level" or heaven forbid, just "average." Why must we live in such a competitive world where everyone compares themselves to others to get a sense of self, a sense of worth. Why can't we know that we are enough just because we are children of God, we are children or our parents, and good, kind, loving people??? I hate it. I wish his class size was smaller b/c 28 is just ridiculous for more individualized attention. I wish I could go in and help out more and feel so guilty that I can't because I have two young ones at home. I want him to know how important and special he is and who cares what so and so is learning and can do... if you improve then you should be proud of yourself... I know I am. I couldn't stop the tears tonight after back to school night thinking about how insecure he feels about his spelling. Who cares really....? I am a horrible speller. That's why there is spell check- if I ever even chose to use it. The doesn't mean I'm not smart. I graduated at the top of my class both with my BS and in graduate school and that was with two children! Carter, you are so much smarter than you think and what the world might see as "smart" is actually not always right. Just keep learning. I hate to see his desire and curiosity and love for learning be impacted by his perfection. May the Lord heal both our hearts tonight.

Angels among us

Just another morning as a stay at home mom with 3 children carrying on the daily tasks as usual getting ready for school to start in two weeks (gasp!). We were running some errands this morning and somehow, somewhere I lost my keys. I know, I know.... "didn't you just lose them at the metro after getting back from DC?" "Yes, yes I did." But hey, it's been almost a month now, so I'm way over due to lose them again. (Not sure why I just had a conversation with myself but anyways...)
Aubryn had been crying/screaming (she has found her voice and her opinions) the entire time at the last store. I was ready to go, the boys were ready to go, heck, the whole store was ready for us to go. I check out, grab my bags, man handle Aubryn and she kicks and screams and goes limp not wanting to be carried, but she has already kicked off her shoes which have been thrown into a bag somewhere, shout out Bryce's name while we cross the street as he is spinning in circles repeatedly slowly getting farther away from me and I see a car coming, lecture the boys about proper store behavior, tell Aubryn we're going home soon and everything ok as she continues to screaming in my ear and have a limp body, and arrive at our van. I strap in Aubryn, other kids strap in their boosters, strap in myself, wipe some sweat off my face, look for my water bottle which I left at home and get ready to go. Only one thing... we need the keys. BOO!
I get out, continue to tell Aubryn we're going soon and she's ok, look all over the van. Boys unbuckle to help and in the process find lollipops which are more exciting to them than keys. I hand them each one b/c by this time it is 1pm and no one has eaten since breakfast and what's better for lunch than pure sugar?
I unbuckle and carry Aubryn back in, remind the boys we are going in not to look at more toys, but to look for keys, remind them again for proper store behavior, take a deep breath, hold back tears and walk in. I check at the front desk... no keys. I start re-tracing my steps. The boys are actually very helpful. We look all around isles, in the cracks, on the floor, in empty carts... I am even closer to tears starting to think about who I could call to come get us if it came down to it. I think to myself, it's a good think I left my car unlocked. Could we walk home?? The thought makes me want to cry harder.
I start to look around a bit more frantically in the toys isle and look down one Carter has been searching and see his sweet little head bowed, his hands clasped and his eyes closed. He is praying. He knows that God knows where our keys are. He knows that we are not in a great situation. He knows to "be still and know the (He) is God." I can't hold back the tears anymore. Here is my 7 year old teaching me in that moment. I am relying on myself to come up with a solution, and my child knows exactly who has the solution... and it's not me. Immediately I feel calm. I begin to pray too in my heart and continue to look. A lady approaches me and introduces herself as Ilene. She is in her 60's and has on bright pink lipstick. Her hair is white and she is kind. She says she overheard me ask the cashier if she found any keys and asks if she can help look. I tell her I would appreciate it. Some time passes and the lollipops are now just slobbery sticks, it is time to admit defeat. Perhaps it was in the previous store?? Sigh.
Ilene comes over and tells me she didn't find anything but asks if I would be comfortable enough for her to drive us home. She says she has a car seat strapped in her car already for her 18 month old granddaughter. Again, holding back tears. She asks if I'd like to see her license or anything else to verify who she was, etc, but I tell her I am trusting my instincts and heart and feel grateful she is so willing to help. She says she will bring her bags to her car and drive the car to the front entrance so I don't have to carry the baby around anymore. She tells me she has lost her keys plenty of time, but not with 3 small children and can imagine how hard that would be. I leave my name and number at the front counter. We get loaded into her car, then think I should leave my name and number at the previous store just in case it was there I left them. I run in quickly with Aubryn still on my hip and ask if anyone has found any keys, immediately the lady hands me mine. Relief rushes over me and I rush back to the car where this angel is entertaining and talking to my other 2 children. As we switch boosters back into our car, and get the kids re-loaded into the van, I give her a huge hug and thank her for being an angel to me and my family that day. We come home and I give Carter a big hug and tell him how blessed I am to have him teach me and be an example to me that day. How he remembered before I did that God knows and loves us all. How lost keys might not be a very big deal to him, they were to us and because of that, he sent Ilene and helped us find them. There are angels all around us walking about. I pray that I can at some time, somewhere be an angel is someones life as Ilene was to me today.