"Becoming"

I just got back from a wonderful weekend with some girlfriends at an event called, "Time out for Women." The speakers, the musicians, the company, the FOOD... all amazing! My mom and husband supportive enough to make it possible for me to go by tending to our children, my neighbor even helping out by coaching Bryce's soccer team for me for Saturday's practice, and driving Bryce there so Brady wouldn't need to have all 3 ready by 9am, just the one.
Other than the amazing women I was privileged to be around and share a car and hotel room with, something else amazing happened. I was filled.
I'm embarrassed to admit that I had almost forgotten that feeling. The feeling of peace and comfort, confirmation and strength. More powerful than any other feeling experienced while at the same time more gentle than any other feeling. I'm talking about the feeling of the Spirit. How it has filled my soul, my being, my heart.
I always hear from loved ones, "you need to take better care of yourself" or "put yourself first for a change." I have taken this to mean, "be selfish." So in trying to heed this advice (b/c in taking care of yourself means you can then better take care of others right?) I at times have tried to take the 20 minute power nap which sometimes becomes an hr or 90 minutes before another child comes home from school allowing another to watch a movie instead of spending one on one time like I envisioned or desired. But feeling drained and no energy or strength, I give into the flesh and turn on a movie. This always leave me feeling guilty and less than and not the mom I was intended or want to me. I loathe my physical and emotional limitations as I curl up on the couch.
Other times, I chose to catch up on a show that I missed the night before b/c bed time ran too long, or I decided to take the time to talk with Brady or clean the house, do dishes, laundry, etc, etc, etc. This is taking time for myself right?
Wrong. Although both those things on occasion of course are not bad things, but when that is what I'm looking forward to as a respite from my "real life" there is a problem. But today is different. Today is new. Today is beautiful. Today I am filled.
To stay filled and to truly "put myself first" in a way that is NOT selfish and VERY necessary, I need to take the time to think, to write, to ponder, to read, to meditate and pray. I didn't get any more sleep last night than usual. In fact went to bed pretty late at midnight and up again by 7am. I do feel tired. It was a lovely weekend but traveling makes me tired, talking to Brady last night and sharing what I had come to realize yes has made my body tired, but my spirit strong... and it is the spirit that carries us.
My body is sore, tired, tight... my spirit is energized and light and excited once again about my role as a mother, wife, and what I had forgotten, daughter of God.
Priorities need to change as my heart has been changed.
I need to put myself on that list of "things to do." This doesn't include a nap, or a movie/show I've missed. This doesn't include a huge shopping spree or time browsing facebook. For me, this involves getting to know myself again. To connect with my spirit. To getting to know God again. To getting to know my savior Jesus Christ and put into practice his redeeming grace. I've learned that "redeem" means "to change." It is a process... a journey and one I am now excited to be part of. Not drained at the idea of giving more than I have to give.
A light has been turned on. Both in my mind with these different "ah-hah" moments of what I need to do to reach the goals and become the woman I want to be, the mother I want to be, the wife I want to be, the friend I want to be, the daughter and sister I want to be... but also a light deep within me. A light that warms me to my very soul. The makes me feel light. This is the light of Christ and I'm so excited to get to know Him and His atonement better and allow the healing and the love and hope that comes from his redeeming grace.
I'm excited to have a personal relationship with both my Father in Heaven and my Savior. I felt at this conference an undeniable feeling of their reality. Which truly I had been questioning. But God is real. He DOES know me. He DOES love me. The same is said for my savior AND redeemer. I know that it is true, because I can not describe or deny the feelings I've felt. The answer I've received. It is a step in the right direction of my journey as I have a desire to know more about the life of Christ and do my best to emulate that life. And I know he will help me on my journey of "Becoming" as it is a process. But I know that I can as God and Christ sustain me, and carry me in my trials. I can have "hope smiling brightly before me" for that is how I want to live. That is how I am 'meant' to live. And with Christ brings new life and I feel like 'new life' has just begun. A life filled with light.