Walls

Walls. What do they do for us? How do they hurt us? Hurt me? The tricky thing about putting up walls around your heart is that it protects And it hurt you. But not only you- the people close (as close as you'll let them get)to you, you hurt too. I often find that I am misunderstood. I've been told by family on more than one occassion that I'm very opinionated to the point that I won't allow others to express their opinion if it is not the same as mine. When in fact, I crave dialouge with differing opinions. To get to know how others view the world and hear why and get to know them through those opinions often form by their personal experiences. I would love some push and pull feedback on differing opinions to help broaden my horizons and open my eyes to things I am not seeing or aware of. And yet I hear that I come across to some as "my way or the highway." And it hurts. My walls are not fully constructed. Over the years, especially this past year as it's been safer to, I've let those walls come down. I haven't sent in a wrecking ball to completely destroy them however. Maybe that is the trick. You need to either destroy the walls and be completely vulnerable, real and open and feel with your whole heart OR you get that sucker as high and build it as strong as you possibly can. Because the wall half built is not serving me well. To afraid to let it come down and yet not willing to have it be completly up for the hope and desire to connect more with myself and those around me. To deveop more meaningful and real relationships. The half wall is down just enough to "try" out but not down enough for those to see into my soul. This is probably what leads to misunderstandings. Trying to voice my opinion (because that is a vulnerable thing especially if what you are sharing is something you've thought and prayed a lot about and possibly might be disreguarded by those you share with), and yet not having it down enough to listen to their opinions in turn. That that extra little bit of effort might throw you off the already unstable emotional line you are walking. Unstable emotional line? That's a bit dramatic eh? Most of the time on a daily basis, I am fine. I am happy and content and I laugh and play and I live. I guess where that emotional line comes in when I try to reconcile who I am today and who I was in the past. That little girl, or teenager for that matter that felt brushed under the rug or not heard. That i was not and am still not worth hearing. So I overcompensate. Why are the "easiest" relationships the hardest? Family who is supposed to love you unconditionally... can they really love you if they don't know you? How can you let them know you fully if you don't trust that they really love you? That they will continue to love you? How can you stop the hurt? Build a wall... but how can you feel the love? Bring down the wall. Not fulling willing to commit to either, I am at an impass... A song my beautiful daughter sings daily (several times daily in fact) is the song, "Let it Go" from Frozen. "Don't let them in, don't let them see... be the good girl you always have to be. Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know..." What if I let them know? What if I let them in and they don't like what they see? What if they doubt the person I have become? I have tried to say, "I feel..." and they don't buy it. Or profess that I am not a certain way and it's not believed... then what? I feel stuck sometimes and want to run away to a place where no one knows me. To cut all ties and just be me. To discover who I really am and to be allowed to be that person. To be free. Feeling and identifying with Elsa in that movie is so real for me. To be all alone in her cold castle, and yet to be so relieved to be free. To stop trying to be perfect and always falling short. To not worry about hurting anyone you love or giving off the wrong impression in what you do or say or even how you say the "right" thing. It's weird how being alone is lonley and being in a room full of people who are "supposed" to love you is more lonley. Elsa sings, "No right, no wrong, no rules for me... I'm FREE!" How do you get there without building those frozen castle walls around your heart? I find I even try to hide my vulnerability from the Lord. I thank Him. I am strong. I repent and try to do better. Even with Him I don't listen. Maybe scared of what He would say... what is He does not love me if He truly knew me? If He can't, how can anyone? I long to be free. I long to be real. I just am not sure how. I suppose it comes with being real with myself first. To allow myself to feel everything as it washes over me. To somehow find the time to do that and not tune out those thoughts and feelings at the end of the day when I am just so tired and done. So who am I? A wife. A wife who loves her husband and the good man and the good heart he has. Who has been hurt by past actions, words and lack of action and words. And yet, I know he loves me. I must continue to allow him to love me. To open and soften my heart to that love because I fear sometimes I am missing it and it's right there in front of me. A mother. Not a perfect one which I hate and yet know can't possibly be. I know that my mistakes will allow my children to find their inner strength. To not be everything to and for them because only God and our Savior can be that and it's ok and important for them to know that. To just be an example to them of Christlike love. To teach them it's ok to make mistakes by making my own and yet loving through it all. A daugher. That's a tricky one. I know I am loved as any parent loves their child. I am constantly being served by my parents, especially my mom- another example of love. Calls, constant thought given,smiles, visits... all these things say love. Then where is the block? Why the wall? Guilty feelings for being a difficult teenager and causing them worry, stress, financial burdeon and not being able to move on? Being that stubborn teenager in their minds and somehow stuck there because I am not showing them another side of me? WOuld they believe it if they saw it? Have they seen it and just disreguarded it? Not allowing myself to embrace the love they offer because I feel hurt and misunderstood as if they don't really know me. And yet, that's my fault. I don't let them in. I don't know how. A sister. Sigh. Those relationships are not what I want them to be either... I'm stuck there too. I'm the stubborn opinionated my way or the highway sister, the mean big bully sister, the furniture nazi, the cold and mightier than thou sister. A friend. I am such a great friend. I uplift, I encourage, I listen, I empathize, I serve with my time, energy and advice. They view me completly differnt than my family does. I hear, flexible, easy going, funny, positive and optimistic, a good example... So who is the real me? Do I act all that different around friends than family?? I must. Just so puzzling. A few things I know about me for sure... I love the outdoors. I love the sunshine. I love the water. To play in warm rain or just lay outside on the driveway in it as it washes over me. The light warm breeze before a storm that smells so fresh. I love and appreciate others authenticity. I feel so drained when others put up a front trying to be clever or funny when really I just want to see their heart and who they are and what makes them tick. I suppose I am a drain on others as I attempt to keep myself at arms distance. I am what I detest at times. I love music. I love how it makes me feel and lifts my spirit when I am down. I love being able to sway and dance to the rhythem as it goes through my soul and connects with my heart. I love hugs. And yet, I don't always allow them or if I do, I don't FEEL them. I love allowing myself to feel them and the love and acceptance that they provide when I am open to them. I love to help where and when I can. I will be there at the drop of a hat should someone need or want my help. For both friends and family. I desire to uplift those around me and to feel of God's love as I try to love them. I want to "let it go" "let it go" so it won't "hold me back anymore" I want to be as free as my daughter who sings this song at the top of her voice with such passion and emotion in her face and through her little body as she twirls on her heels and flys through the house. I want to be able to honestly say, "I don't care what they're going to say..." more from a place of it is what it is and I am who I am more than a place of screw you if you don't like me. To be okay with myself enough to have others not be okay with me. And if I am really real and they are still not okay with me. I should be ok with that. As for now, I suppose I am in such a panic to not hear or feel rejection, I don't give others around me (family usually)the chance to discredit what I feel. I also suppose becoming more real and taking the chance with that, I need to allow others to do the same. To open myself up to uncertainty and hurt. But as it is, I am uncertain and hurting with those interactions so why not just let the rest of the wall down and see what happens?

Thoughts...

So... been two years since I posted last. Good greif! Been trying to figure out ways to document our family events, my thougts and feelings and everything in between. I've tried several differnt methods- each child having their own journal I keep for them in a document, facebook, just taking several pics with our nice Nikon SLR camera and letting the pics tell themselves promising myself I will do yearly picture books (right after Bryce's baby book- he is SEVEN!). Needless to say, it's just not happeneing. I think I have felt overwhelmed wanting to document every good thing that's happened and every precious memory or funny things my children have said or done, but what can I say? I am too blessed I supposed because there is just TOO MUCH of all that stuff. So I am just going to start from today and hope it's not two more years until I post next. There is really no "point" to my writing today. Just to clear my mind and my heart or thoughts, feelings, ramblings that need to go somewhere. I read a lady's blog last night until almost 2am. It was a horrific story about her husband being killed by the husband of the lady he was having an affair with. They had 5 small children from 5 to 6 weeks old. They met and attended Utah State University, the same place Brady and I gradutated from and lived for 3 years just after we got married. So mentioning the Logan temple, the University, and everything was so real to me. Although we've been married almost 13 years, it seems like only yesterday we were just starting our life together in that beautiful, peaceful place. Some of my best and happiest memories happened there. It was our first home, first time I had bought a car, graduated, our first child was born there. The first time I was a "grown up" so to say. Married to a man I promised and covenanted to spend eternity with. This couple had done the same. Made the same promises to each other and God. And he is dead. She is a widow at 28 and a single mom to 5 babies. I makes me ponder and think... how do you get to that point? What can I do to continue having the life that I have and love. Not to say I love it everyday. There are certainly more times than I'd like to admit that I feel like I am failing. As a wife, as a friend, daughter, sister, mother... failing as a person. I have felt overwhelmed with the mundane tasks and chores that I allow to become my world instead of the people inside my world being my focus. I have never wanted my children to feel like a burdeon in any shape or form. I remember feeling that way when I was growing up. Feeling as if I wasn't there, my parents life would be more simple, easy and they would have more peace. And I would have more peace. Those are heavy feelings for a child, and as I type realize just how heavy as tears fill my 32 year old eyes. I feel like sometimes I do that to my own children. Children I love so dearly. Children I would give my life for in a second. Children who are so precious to me I would take pee all over the bathroom floors and walls and dirty socks and dishes and mud stains and toothpaste on the carpet over ANY of them not being here. Do I tell them that enough? Do I show them that enough? With my words, deeds, and especially tone and energy I carry around our home? Not as much as I would like to. Not consistantly enough anyways... I have to remind myself however, that I - just like my children are God's children. He created our spirits. Mine and theirs. He is our Heavenly Father. One that loves us perfectly. That teaches us... if we listen. I want to learn and be better. I want to have love spew through everything I say and everything I do. Not only so my children (and husband) know I love them. But more importantly to allow them to feel of God's love for them. Even in my failings, I am loved. Even when I don't deserve His love. It is there. I want to emulate that perfect example. Not that I am perfect. I know I will never be perfect. But if I can learn from the perfect parent how to love then myself and my family will be ok. Love is a funny thing... we all want it. And yet sometimes when it is right there in front of us, we don't take it. Why is that? Pain from the past? Walls we have built? Fear of getting hurt? Not feeling worthy of that love? Self preservation? YES. For me anyways... I hesitate writing the thoughts and feelings as they come to my mind and heart. Perhaps too personal? Too vulnerable? Too real? That's what I desire to be though... real. That's what I want my kids to learn and understand as they become adults. That it's okay to doubt, to fear, to question... it's part of life. Because with all of that also comes hope. And that hope is through the Savior. I know that I am never alone. I also know that all my thoughts and feelings have been felt before- by Him. In the Garden of Gethsemane- not only the sins were suffered, but the uncertainty, the self doubt, the lonliness, the inner turmoil humans will inevitably feel and face because we are mortal. As long as we don't loose hope- we are okay. I have had a great morning so far. Playing with Logan, spending that one on one time while the others are in school (for a couple hrs at least. I have been cheerful, happy and grateful to be a mother and wife to look beyond the mountains of laundry, and dishes in the sink (again), and the toddler eating toothpaste and playing in the toilet to really just cherish those moments. Because that is what they are- moments. Moments I am going to miss. Those little pony underwear in the mountain of laundry will someday be no more, the toys, and plastic sippie cups will be a thing of the past. The toilet will be clean and the smell of pee will be gone, but so will the moments of trying to get my son to pee INTO the dang thing in the middle of the night when his alarm goes off or my toddler emulating his father by "plunging" it and then flushing down a plastic toy fish... Oppostition in all things. It's all about our attitude and attitude is a choice. Shall I look at my blessings with resentment because those blessings also bring a lot of work? Just like my attitude is my choice, so is my decision to be a stay at home mom. If I worked outside the home I would miss the blow outs and the spills and the stained clothes... but I would also miss all the laughs, hugs, kisses, stories, books, and just the day to day minute to minute. I would not want to miss a minute, not a moment of those things for ANYTHING in the world! Bring on the laundry! I am blessed...