Monday, February 24, 2014

Thoughts...

So... been two years since I posted last. Good greif! Been trying to figure out ways to document our family events, my thougts and feelings and everything in between. I've tried several differnt methods- each child having their own journal I keep for them in a document, facebook, just taking several pics with our nice Nikon SLR camera and letting the pics tell themselves promising myself I will do yearly picture books (right after Bryce's baby book- he is SEVEN!). Needless to say, it's just not happeneing. I think I have felt overwhelmed wanting to document every good thing that's happened and every precious memory or funny things my children have said or done, but what can I say? I am too blessed I supposed because there is just TOO MUCH of all that stuff. So I am just going to start from today and hope it's not two more years until I post next. There is really no "point" to my writing today. Just to clear my mind and my heart or thoughts, feelings, ramblings that need to go somewhere. I read a lady's blog last night until almost 2am. It was a horrific story about her husband being killed by the husband of the lady he was having an affair with. They had 5 small children from 5 to 6 weeks old. They met and attended Utah State University, the same place Brady and I gradutated from and lived for 3 years just after we got married. So mentioning the Logan temple, the University, and everything was so real to me. Although we've been married almost 13 years, it seems like only yesterday we were just starting our life together in that beautiful, peaceful place. Some of my best and happiest memories happened there. It was our first home, first time I had bought a car, graduated, our first child was born there. The first time I was a "grown up" so to say. Married to a man I promised and covenanted to spend eternity with. This couple had done the same. Made the same promises to each other and God. And he is dead. She is a widow at 28 and a single mom to 5 babies. I makes me ponder and think... how do you get to that point? What can I do to continue having the life that I have and love. Not to say I love it everyday. There are certainly more times than I'd like to admit that I feel like I am failing. As a wife, as a friend, daughter, sister, mother... failing as a person. I have felt overwhelmed with the mundane tasks and chores that I allow to become my world instead of the people inside my world being my focus. I have never wanted my children to feel like a burdeon in any shape or form. I remember feeling that way when I was growing up. Feeling as if I wasn't there, my parents life would be more simple, easy and they would have more peace. And I would have more peace. Those are heavy feelings for a child, and as I type realize just how heavy as tears fill my 32 year old eyes. I feel like sometimes I do that to my own children. Children I love so dearly. Children I would give my life for in a second. Children who are so precious to me I would take pee all over the bathroom floors and walls and dirty socks and dishes and mud stains and toothpaste on the carpet over ANY of them not being here. Do I tell them that enough? Do I show them that enough? With my words, deeds, and especially tone and energy I carry around our home? Not as much as I would like to. Not consistantly enough anyways... I have to remind myself however, that I - just like my children are God's children. He created our spirits. Mine and theirs. He is our Heavenly Father. One that loves us perfectly. That teaches us... if we listen. I want to learn and be better. I want to have love spew through everything I say and everything I do. Not only so my children (and husband) know I love them. But more importantly to allow them to feel of God's love for them. Even in my failings, I am loved. Even when I don't deserve His love. It is there. I want to emulate that perfect example. Not that I am perfect. I know I will never be perfect. But if I can learn from the perfect parent how to love then myself and my family will be ok. Love is a funny thing... we all want it. And yet sometimes when it is right there in front of us, we don't take it. Why is that? Pain from the past? Walls we have built? Fear of getting hurt? Not feeling worthy of that love? Self preservation? YES. For me anyways... I hesitate writing the thoughts and feelings as they come to my mind and heart. Perhaps too personal? Too vulnerable? Too real? That's what I desire to be though... real. That's what I want my kids to learn and understand as they become adults. That it's okay to doubt, to fear, to question... it's part of life. Because with all of that also comes hope. And that hope is through the Savior. I know that I am never alone. I also know that all my thoughts and feelings have been felt before- by Him. In the Garden of Gethsemane- not only the sins were suffered, but the uncertainty, the self doubt, the lonliness, the inner turmoil humans will inevitably feel and face because we are mortal. As long as we don't loose hope- we are okay. I have had a great morning so far. Playing with Logan, spending that one on one time while the others are in school (for a couple hrs at least. I have been cheerful, happy and grateful to be a mother and wife to look beyond the mountains of laundry, and dishes in the sink (again), and the toddler eating toothpaste and playing in the toilet to really just cherish those moments. Because that is what they are- moments. Moments I am going to miss. Those little pony underwear in the mountain of laundry will someday be no more, the toys, and plastic sippie cups will be a thing of the past. The toilet will be clean and the smell of pee will be gone, but so will the moments of trying to get my son to pee INTO the dang thing in the middle of the night when his alarm goes off or my toddler emulating his father by "plunging" it and then flushing down a plastic toy fish... Oppostition in all things. It's all about our attitude and attitude is a choice. Shall I look at my blessings with resentment because those blessings also bring a lot of work? Just like my attitude is my choice, so is my decision to be a stay at home mom. If I worked outside the home I would miss the blow outs and the spills and the stained clothes... but I would also miss all the laughs, hugs, kisses, stories, books, and just the day to day minute to minute. I would not want to miss a minute, not a moment of those things for ANYTHING in the world! Bring on the laundry! I am blessed...

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