Walls. What do they do for us? How do they hurt us? Hurt me? The tricky thing about putting up walls around your heart is that it protects And it hurt you. But not only you- the people close (as close as you'll let them get)to you, you hurt too.
I often find that I am misunderstood. I've been told by family on more than one occassion that I'm very opinionated to the point that I won't allow others to express their opinion if it is not the same as mine. When in fact, I crave dialouge with differing opinions. To get to know how others view the world and hear why and get to know them through those opinions often form by their personal experiences. I would love some push and pull feedback on differing opinions to help broaden my horizons and open my eyes to things I am not seeing or aware of. And yet I hear that I come across to some as "my way or the highway." And it hurts.
My walls are not fully constructed. Over the years, especially this past year as it's been safer to, I've let those walls come down. I haven't sent in a wrecking ball to completely destroy them however. Maybe that is the trick. You need to either destroy the walls and be completely vulnerable, real and open and feel with your whole heart OR you get that sucker as high and build it as strong as you possibly can. Because the wall half built is not serving me well.
To afraid to let it come down and yet not willing to have it be completly up for the hope and desire to connect more with myself and those around me. To deveop more meaningful and real relationships.
The half wall is down just enough to "try" out but not down enough for those to see into my soul. This is probably what leads to misunderstandings. Trying to voice my opinion (because that is a vulnerable thing especially if what you are sharing is something you've thought and prayed a lot about and possibly might be disreguarded by those you share with), and yet not having it down enough to listen to their opinions in turn. That that extra little bit of effort might throw you off the already unstable emotional line you are walking.
Unstable emotional line? That's a bit dramatic eh? Most of the time on a daily basis, I am fine. I am happy and content and I laugh and play and I live. I guess where that emotional line comes in when I try to reconcile who I am today and who I was in the past. That little girl, or teenager for that matter that felt brushed under the rug or not heard. That i was not and am still not worth hearing. So I overcompensate.
Why are the "easiest" relationships the hardest? Family who is supposed to love you unconditionally... can they really love you if they don't know you? How can you let them know you fully if you don't trust that they really love you? That they will continue to love you?
How can you stop the hurt? Build a wall... but how can you feel the love? Bring down the wall.
Not fulling willing to commit to either, I am at an impass...
A song my beautiful daughter sings daily (several times daily in fact) is the song, "Let it Go" from Frozen.
"Don't let them in, don't let them see... be the good girl you always have to be. Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know..." What if I let them know?
What if I let them in and they don't like what they see? What if they doubt the person I have become? I have tried to say, "I feel..." and they don't buy it. Or profess that I am not a certain way and it's not believed... then what? I feel stuck sometimes and want to run away to a place where no one knows me. To cut all ties and just be me. To discover who I really am and to be allowed to be that person. To be free.
Feeling and identifying with Elsa in that movie is so real for me. To be all alone in her cold castle, and yet to be so relieved to be free. To stop trying to be perfect and always falling short. To not worry about hurting anyone you love or giving off the wrong impression in what you do or say or even how you say the "right" thing. It's weird how being alone is lonley and being in a room full of people who are "supposed" to love you is more lonley.
Elsa sings, "No right, no wrong, no rules for me... I'm FREE!" How do you get there without building those frozen castle walls around your heart?
I find I even try to hide my vulnerability from the Lord. I thank Him. I am strong. I repent and try to do better. Even with Him I don't listen. Maybe scared of what He would say... what is He does not love me if He truly knew me? If He can't, how can anyone?
I long to be free. I long to be real. I just am not sure how.
I suppose it comes with being real with myself first. To allow myself to feel everything as it washes over me. To somehow find the time to do that and not tune out those thoughts and feelings at the end of the day when I am just so tired and done.
So who am I?
A wife. A wife who loves her husband and the good man and the good heart he has. Who has been hurt by past actions, words and lack of action and words. And yet, I know he loves me. I must continue to allow him to love me. To open and soften my heart to that love because I fear sometimes I am missing it and it's right there in front of me.
A mother. Not a perfect one which I hate and yet know can't possibly be. I know that my mistakes will allow my children to find their inner strength. To not be everything to and for them because only God and our Savior can be that and it's ok and important for them to know that.
To just be an example to them of Christlike love. To teach them it's ok to make mistakes by making my own and yet loving through it all.
A daugher. That's a tricky one. I know I am loved as any parent loves their child. I am constantly being served by my parents, especially my mom- another example of love. Calls, constant thought given,smiles, visits... all these things say love. Then where is the block? Why the wall? Guilty feelings for being a difficult teenager and causing them worry, stress, financial burdeon and not being able to move on? Being that stubborn teenager in their minds and somehow stuck there because I am not showing them another side of me? WOuld they believe it if they saw it? Have they seen it and just disreguarded it? Not allowing myself to embrace the love they offer because I feel hurt and misunderstood as if they don't really know me. And yet, that's my fault. I don't let them in. I don't know how.
A sister. Sigh. Those relationships are not what I want them to be either... I'm stuck there too. I'm the stubborn opinionated my way or the highway sister, the mean big bully sister, the furniture nazi, the cold and mightier than thou sister.
A friend. I am such a great friend. I uplift, I encourage, I listen, I empathize, I serve with my time, energy and advice. They view me completly differnt than my family does. I hear, flexible, easy going, funny, positive and optimistic, a good example...
So who is the real me? Do I act all that different around friends than family?? I must. Just so puzzling.
A few things I know about me for sure...
I love the outdoors. I love the sunshine. I love the water. To play in warm rain or just lay outside on the driveway in it as it washes over me. The light warm breeze before a storm that smells so fresh. I love and appreciate others authenticity. I feel so drained when others put up a front trying to be clever or funny when really I just want to see their heart and who they are and what makes them tick. I suppose I am a drain on others as I attempt to keep myself at arms distance. I am what I detest at times.
I love music. I love how it makes me feel and lifts my spirit when I am down. I love being able to sway and dance to the rhythem as it goes through my soul and connects with my heart. I love hugs. And yet, I don't always allow them or if I do, I don't FEEL them. I love allowing myself to feel them and the love and acceptance that they provide when I am open to them. I love to help where and when I can. I will be there at the drop of a hat should someone need or want my help. For both friends and family. I desire to uplift those around me and to feel of God's love as I try to love them.
I want to "let it go" "let it go" so it won't "hold me back anymore" I want to be as free as my daughter who sings this song at the top of her voice with such passion and emotion in her face and through her little body as she twirls on her heels and flys through the house. I want to be able to honestly say, "I don't care what they're going to say..." more from a place of it is what it is and I am who I am more than a place of screw you if you don't like me. To be okay with myself enough to have others not be okay with me. And if I am really real and they are still not okay with me. I should be ok with that.
As for now, I suppose I am in such a panic to not hear or feel rejection, I don't give others around me (family usually)the chance to discredit what I feel.
I also suppose becoming more real and taking the chance with that, I need to allow others to do the same. To open myself up to uncertainty and hurt. But as it is, I am uncertain and hurting with those interactions so why not just let the rest of the wall down and see what happens?
I live in MD with my wonderful husband of ten years and my three sweet children. Carter is 7 and Bryson (Bryce) is 5. Little miss Auryn is 21 months. I am a stay at home mom, other than teaching pilates a couple times a week. I graduated in May 2008 with my masters degree in social work- ya-hoo!