While doing dishes tonight, Brady asks me, "what do you think is the hardest thing about parenting?" and then, "what surprised you most about becoming a parent that you wouldn't have understood before being a parent." What interesting questions... here are my answers because they kind of surprised me too.
1- The hardest thing about being a parent is fearing that no matter what I do, and how good my intentions are, I'm not doing something right. Not doing something I should be to love and teach my children, or doing something that is hurtful to them overall. (I'm actually tearing up now thinking about what pressure I put on myself to be the "perfect" parent). I fear my inexperience, my human-ness, my imperfection and how that affects my children everyday. I don't have all the answers, and sometimes the right thing is not clear. Most times the right thing is not clear and just hope I can do my best and give all I can to be the the best parent I can be in spite of me and my human-ness.
2- I was not prepared for the amount of love that has filled my heart and soul. For me, as soon as Carter was laid in my arms, I love him more than I loved anything else in the entire world. More love than I knew I was capable of having. (Tearing up again...) I knew I would always love him and protect him with everything I had (and have). Love of a child is the first time I experienced unconditional love, truly and without question. I was so concerned the entire pregnancy with Bryce fearing that I would not love another the way I loved Carter. That it was not possible. That my heart and soul had filled with love to it's capacity. I remember crying several times throughout the 9 months, afraid I couldn't love the way I wanted to as a mother for this second son that would be mine. So, the second surprise for me was that my love was not "shared" or divided. It was in fact multiplied. My heart and soul somehow doubled in size filling it with just as much unconditional love for my beautiful Bryce. My life would not be complete without either. Without my incredible husband. What an amazing father he is for our two boys who I love more than words. And because their father feels the same way about them as I do, it has increased my love for him two-fold as well. How blessed I am to be a parent. To be a wife. To have so much love for all three of the amazing, beautiful males in my life. I could not ask for more.